di Cristina Caloni
Sei stata bella, una volta, almeno una volta.
Quando io cercavo di salvarti, ma non ero nessuno. Non ho più saputo nulla
di te per anni, e soltanto ora ho ritrovato la fotografia della festa di Halloween,
quando ti ho portata in un locale, vestita da strega. Forse ora non ti ricordi
nemmeno più di me, di quella ragazza che, dopo essere uscita da casa tua,
si chiudeva in auto a piangere, mentre la pioggia batteva insistente sul
Ti ricordi il giorno in cui sei rimasta a dormire a casa mia? Hai fatto la doccia
da sola – quando eri con me non avevi paura dell’acqua – usando il mio
shampoo per capelli, delicato, e finalmente si sono rivelati i tuoi ricci biondi. Ti
ho prestato il mio vestito lungo fino ai piedi, di cotone batik verde come i tuoi
occhi, e siamo uscite insieme a passeggiare in centro. Un gruppo di ragazzi
si è voltato a guardarti perché sembravi davvero la primavera del Botticelli, e
tu mi hai affondato le unghie nel palmo della mano. Mentre il mondo
s’affaccendava intorno, giocavi a stare immobile il più a lungo possibile, per
opporre una passiva, inerte, greve resistenza al mondo frenetico, in corsa,
dissanguato, incendiato, perso.
Il tuo era un ascetismo orizzontale, di cui nessuno era al corrente, a parte
me. Mi dicevi di pensarmi sotto forma di onde arancio, calde e regolari, che ti
salivano dai piedi, lentamente, fino alla testa, e solo così riuscivi a prendere
sonno. Mi piaceva l’idea di trasformarmi in onde arancio.
Non ti potevo adottare, né ho potuto farlo in seguito, perché ero troppo
giovane e non avevo un lavoro. Potevo solo vegliare sulla tua vita, da
A tredici anni, quando saresti dovuta sbocciare, non c’eri più. Cancellata dai
farmaci, eri ingrassata e avevi lo sguardo assente.
Non cantavi più insieme a me, non ascoltavamo più ballate irlandesi, tu
scrivevi nella tua strana lingua brandelli di frasi costruite di simboli che tu sola
capivi. Scarabocchiavi lettere magiche calcando fino a strappare la carta dei
quaderni di scolara che portavi sempre con te in una borsa enorme. Non
badavi alla forma, avevi mille fogli sparsi, in una tenera feroce confusione di
Mi avevi chiusa fuori.
Ti ricordi il pomeriggio in cui mi hai regalato una margherita di fili di rame? E
poi di colpo hai cantato Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, con una limpida
voce alta e pura. Avevi una voce bellissima, l’ho ripetuto tante volte a tuo
padre, ma lui non mi ascoltava. Pagava qualcuno per prendersi cura di te e
non voleva sapere altro. Ti stava cancellando come ha fatto con tua madre.
Le dosi giornaliere di psicofarmaci ti tenevano buona, ma già alle sette di
mattina ti bruciavano gli occhi e avevi sempre sonno; alla prima ora proprio
non riuscivi a stare attenta a scuola, spesso ti addormentavi sul banco.
Stavi immobile nella tana di tende e di tappeti, immersa nella penombra di
fiabe, mentre intorno il mondo si strofinava, paonazzo e congestionato.
Le pozioni magiche trasformavano stupende principesse in mammut, ma il
principe si innamorava lo stesso alla follia; il gigante si innamorava di una
vecchia che partoriva una bambola di pezza. Le biglie incantate, scagliate
contro le persone, facevano piangere, davano nausea, vomito e mal di
Come una gazza amavi tutto ciò che luccicava e ammucchiavi bigiotteria di
poco valore. Sognavi una casa tutta tua perché eri un po’ nomade, vagavi
dall’appartamento anonimo di tuo padre alla triste soffocante casa dei nonni,
dove era cresciuta e impazzita tua madre.
La villetta dei nonni era costruita in una zona tranquilla del paese, una
casetta perbene con i nani da giardino, le rose gialle senza profumo, il prato
I nonni erano indaffarati a tenere in ordine le cose, a spolverare, pulire il
garage, rifare i letti; la nonna, una donna gobba, grassa, con lanosi capelli
giallastri e gote rosse, cucinava torte immangiabili impastate con la farina di
– Allora, smettila di urlare, guarda cosa hai fatto, te lo dico sempre io di
mettere il sottobicchiere, e miseria!
– Crepa vecchiaccia! Crepa!
– Sta’ attenta che ti mando al Mombello.
Si diceva così, dalle nostre parti, anche se il Mombello era ormai diroccato,
un luogo mal frequentato in cui aleggiava il ricordo di elettroshock e
Quando litigavate ti andavi a incastrare sotto il letto e non volevi più uscire. Il
pomeriggio del temporale avevate appena litigato. Al primo tuono ti sei
buttata per terra picchiando la testa, al secondo hai iniziato a gridare, al terzo
a piangere, al quarto ad avere le convulsioni. I nonni cercavano di calmarti,
ma ottenevano l’effetto opposto, a quel punto io sono scappata senza
salutare, perché non ero pronta alle tue urla. Quando ho chiuso dietro di me il
cancello e sono salita in auto sono scoppiata a piangere, ascoltando lo
scroscio d’acqua sulla macchina diventare sempre più violento.
Sembrava impossibile che quella coppia anziana e bolsa avesse generato
due creature incredibilmente belle come te e tua madre, entrambe con gli
occhi verdi, tua madre di un verde primaverile, spiritato, quasi evanescente,
tu del verde autunnale di prati marciti, malinconico, ma alleggerito dalla
dolcezza dei tuoi tratti.
– Ha finito signorina? Che la bambina si deve lavare. Va’ che capelli
sporchi, va’ che roba – diceva tua nonna, rivolgendosi a me.
– Non mi lavo io, non mi serve.
– Ma sì che ti serve, sembri una poveretta che non ha un posto dove
lavarsi sembri… cosa pensa la gente? E le insegnanti a scuola? Che i
tuoi nonni non ti vogliono bene? E pensare che stiamo facendo tutto per te, come i genitori stiamo facendo. Chissà che fine facevi senza di
– La mamma dice che fate schifo. Che mi rovinerete come avete fatto con
lei. Vero nonno?
– Tua mamma è una pazza, noi le abbiamo dato tutto e lei ci si è rivoltata
contro, una serpe ci tenevamo in casa.
– E chi la vuole vedere? La odio, ma odio pure te, e pure il papà, e la
nonna e l’altra nonna che sembra già morta, è una mummia, e mangia
solo quella merda di riso bollito. I miei unici amici sono i conigli, sono gli
unici vivi qui, sennò mi sarei già ammazzata.
– Non parlare così a tuo nonno, sai!
– Parlo come voglio, vecchiaccio.
– E basta! Adesso vieni che ti lavo bene. Sa signorina, che questa qui
non si sa ancora lavare da sola? Le dobbiamo sempre lavare il sedere
e i capelli, e son lo stesso tragedie.
E io aspettavo nel corridoio stantio, mentre tu, seminuda, avevi le mani di tuo
nonno tra le cosce, mentre la vecchia moglie trascinava le ciabatte per i
corridoi bui o stava in cucina a rammendare, senza capire cosa stesse
succedendo o cosa fosse successo.
La pazzia stava germogliando per la seconda volta. La pazzia proveniva da
lei, è iniziata con lei, la colpa era sua e sotto la colpa ha piegato la schiena.
Volevi vivere da sola, vestita con un abito bianco, tra stracci, conigli e
– Hai presente avere una spina nel culo? – mi hai detto una volta –
ecco, è come avere una spina nel culo, e ti danno le medicine per il
dolore, ma a cosa serve se non te la tolgono?
In un giorno precedente di poco il tuo tredicesimo compleanno sono passata
a trovarti: eri agghindata come una principessa delle discariche, con
cellophane frusciante e trasparente cucito e drappeggiato intorno ai fianchi in
una fastosa gonna a balze, uno stretto corpetto plissettato, le spalle nude
coperte dal mantello di plastica. Eri brava a cucire – ho convinto io tuo padre
a lasciarti frequentare un corso di cucito, cosi da assicurarti un lavoro, ricordo
che ti eri confezionata un cappotto di panno viola dal taglio asimmetrico e non
te lo toglievi mai. Mi ha impressionato come tu avessi traforato un sacchetto
della spazzatura per trasformarlo in un velo da sposa che portavi sui capelli
un po’ unti.
Stavi festeggiando il tuo fidanzamento ufficiale con il coniglio, già da tempo
unico e migliore amico.
– Ma non è un po’ vecchio per te? – dico io.
– Cosa? Vecchio il mio coniglietto? – e lo baci sulla bocca leporina.
– Beh, in fondo ha già otto anni…
– Vuoi dire che muore, eh? Ma crepa tu! Lui sta benissimo.
E segue una crisi isterica che mi costringe a mettere il cd di Enya, panacea
per tutti gli isterismi.
– Ti piace il mio coniglio? È bello vero?
– È davvero un coniglio carino.
– Siamo una bella coppia, no? Guardaci come siamo belli insieme –
dice, mentre si lascia leccare una guancia.
– Come mai non un tuo compagno di classe? Almeno è un po’ più alto e
non ha quelle orecchie enormi.
– Perché, che differenza c’è tra gli uomini e i conigli? Anche loro
mangiano la loro merda e leccano la loro piscia. A me gli uomini fanno
Il tuo femminismo precoce mi ha lasciata senza parole. Giuro. Hai detto
Io sola ero autorizzata a entrare nella tua tana. Lì dentro cercavo di consolarti
e tu ti aggrappavi a me con tutte le tue forze. Ti sfregavi contro di me, mi
baciavi il collo, mi accarezzavi, io ti respingevo con dolcezza, per evitarti una
crisi, e ti assicuravo che non era per la tua bellezza, perché eri bellissima.
Tuo padre non ti abbracciava mai, per paura di sembrare pedofilo, così mi
diceva. Con lui non ti voleva. Si è costruito una nuova famiglia al sicuro dalla
tua rabbia, così hai cambiato spesso casa: hai vissuto alcuni di anni in una
comunità, una casa famiglia immersa nel verde di un magnifico parco. Ho
faticato molto per trovarti quella sistemazione, ma tu eri diffidente e negavi di
essere malata, odiavi le coinquiline, le educatrici, la vita di gruppo. Hai
provato a scappare più di una volta, per andare dove? Ogni volta ti
riprendevano e tornavi nella vecchia casa nel parco, con i soffitti altissimi, un
grande salone con un pianoforte a coda in un angolo e un divano rosso,
talmente isolata che dalle finestre si potevano vedere le stelle. Sono venuta
qualche volta a trovarti e ho conosciuto una signora dai capelli grigi corti e tre
ragazze tue coetanee. Sarebbe potuto essere una periodo felice, se tu. Se
loro. Se tu avessi collaborato, se i medici avessero capito cosa ti affliggeva.
Schizofrenia, dicevano. Eri di nuovo magra, andavi tutti i giorni in palestra e
avevi un piercing all’ombelico. Parlavi del tuo passato – così giovane ne avevi
già uno, certi ricordi ti rubano l’anima – come del “buio”, come se ti fossi
risvegliata da un coma. E c’era un ragazzo che ti corteggiava e che sembrava
avere qualche speranza, sì, lui ti piaceva, ti fidavi. Me lo ricordo, aveva gli
occhiali spessi, era gentile. Aveva tentato due volte il suicidio, per questo ti
dicevo di non frequentarlo, forse mi sbagliavo, perdonami. Quando avete
fatto l’amore per la prima volta è stata una lotta, l’hai graffiato e picchiato, è
stata una delle ultime cose che mi hai raccontato.
A diciotto anni eri ancora così bambina, ti vestivi come una zingarella, con un
paio di gonne a balze una sopra l’altra, e due maglie, perché avevi sempre
Non vederti più è stato come lasciare un gattino cieco e selvatico ai margini
della strada: che ne sarà di lui?
Tana! Liberi tutti.
Anch’io amo le tane. Non te l’ho mai raccontato, ma quando volevo rievocare
il passato costruivo un rifugio di tappeti, mi chiudevo lì dentro con una
bottiglia di Porto rosso, la musica degli Intillimani, di Simon and Garfunkel e di
Battiato, e rievocavo l’infanzia, piangendo. È un rito che ho portato avanti
quando gli incubi sulla morte di mio padre sono finiti e lui ha cominciato a
mancarmi. Avrò avuto diciassette anni, credo.
Quando giocavi a stare immobile sentivi sempre un prurito dietro le scapole,
che fossero ali?
Un giorno hai appoggiato sul davanzale della finestra i quaderni e il pacchetto
di sigarette. Avevi iniziato a fumare perché ti calmava. Sei salita sul
davanzale e hai guardato i boschi sfumare nel cielo. Ti sei buttata, hai
spiegato le ali e hai volato per venticinque metri.
Un giorno hai appoggiato sul davanzale i quaderni e il pacchetto di sigarette e
sei salita in piedi sul davanzale.
– Cosa cazzo stai facendo? – ti ha gridato il tuo ragazzo, prendendoti per
un braccio, trascinandoti sul pavimento,
E vi siete abbracciati.
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